And now we come to the first of the 12 happiness boosting activities listed in “The How of Happiness” by Sonja Lyubomirsky:
Expressing Gratitude
In the book she quotes Robert Emmons who defines gratitude as: “a felt sense of wonder, thankfulness, and appreciation for life.”
She also says that gratitude means different things to different people. For most of us it probably means saying thank you, but it could also mean appreciating someone, being grateful for what we have, fathoming abundance, thanking God, or even just counting your blessings.
Before I get too deep into ways you can express your gratitude, I first want to talk about something I believe relates closely to this.
CounterFact
According to Shawn Achor, a counterfact is an imagined scenario our minds create to help use evaluate and make sense of that really happens to us.
Example: (Reality) you walk into a convenience store as it is being robbed, the thief panics and shoots wildly, hitting a jar of honey next to you and you get covered in sticky honey. The theif then pushes you aside on his way out, and you sprain an ankle.
Here are some possible counterfacts:
- If I hadn’t stopped at that store I’d be fine.
- If that thief hadn’t been there, I wouldn’t be hurt now.
- What if that shot hadn’t hit the honey, it had hit me, I am so lucky!
Most people in a similar situation would count this as a negative event because their counterfact would be that of a “regular” day. BUT this could also be a positive event if your counterfact is like #3.
Essentially if you believe that things could have been worse, then you are likely to see yourself and whatever your present situation is in a positve light.
I think I’ll do more on counterfacts later, since I think they are important, but the main thing to remember here, is not to be EXPECTING the negative, but that if you compare where you are to something worse, you will see your situation in a more positive light.
What does this have to do with gratitude?
Many people think that they don’t have a lot to be thankful for.
Why?
Because their counterfact is probably “regular” life. “What do I have to be thankful for, I just got a pay cut at work and now I’ll have to get rid of my second car …”
Can anyone see another way of looking at this?
- You still have a job.
- You still have a car.
- You still have a house, spouse, family, food on the table, your health, your savings, your pets, etc.
To really shine a light on all of the things we do have it sometimes pays to consider the worst possible counterfact.
If you do this, suddenly you have LOTS to be thankful for. Even those who may not have much financially may still have family, or friends, or someplace warm to stay for the night.
So with that in mind, here is a bit of brainstorm of ways you can express gratitude. Try any or all of these, or use this as a starting point to come up with your own ideas.
- Create a gratitude journal and write about the things you are grateful for at the end of day (or end of the week, or as they happen)
- When you are feeling low or “lacking” simply take time to think of all of the wonderful things you have (like life, clean air, family, etc)
- Think of the good things you have every day, or three times a week, etc
- Write a letter to someone who you really want to thank (email also works)
- Take someone you want to thank/appreciate out for coffee and tell them what they mean to you.
- Write a letter to say a deep and meaningful thank you to someone (but don’t send (this actually works too)
- Say thank you, a lot, all the time to anyone who does anything for you (this one takes some time to really master)
- Write down one/three/five things you are grateful for that day/week.
- Acknowledge one ungrateful thought per day and substitute a grateful one.
- Find time once a day/three times a week/etc to simply meditate on everything in you life.
- Express gratitude through visual or performance art, alone or for others.
Remember the HOWS while you’re doing this: what will keep this fresh and varied? How can you make starting this a habit? What are all of the positive emotions you are getting out of this?
Mostly, do what works for you, and if this isn’t the activity that fits you, try the next one: Practicing Optimism
Until then, keep laughing and being grateful for every moment of laughter you have!